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Why it’s time to widen the aperture

“Arrive curious, without the armor of certainty. Live the life that chooses you, new with every breath, every blink of your astonished eyes.”—Rebecca del Rio

Tomorrow is Tasman’s birthday. She would have been 27.

I strongly believe she came to me 27 years ago as an act of great love. I was a 37-year-old singleton who desperately needed a monster lesson in loving with my whole heart.

I was a, let’s just say, wishy-washy creator who needed a reason to fully commit to being responsible and going for my dreams.

At the time I discovered I was pregnant, I was making it (sorta) as a freelance writer. I had my moments of glory, getting a few good-paying assignments with Travel+Leisure, Modern Bride (ironic since I had always been single) and the Washington Post. I was dabbling in travel writing and more or less following my whims. Nothing wrong with whims, but it was clearly time for me to do something more substantial.

I’d struggled with commitment to one man so Taz, entering my life as a tiny human totally dependent on me, became the soul mate I so acutely desired.

Thanks to her, I buckled down on my spiritual practice. I turned my career, my parenting, my entire life over to The Dude. I’ve written before about how painfully clear it was that I needed to see things differently, to let go of all the limitations I’d placed upon myself, to well, widen my aperture.

If I was truly going to make it as a writer, the dream I’d long pursued, and if I was going to properly care for this beautiful soul who could have chosen a two-parent household, a bigger bank account, a caregiver with a more stable career, it was pretty obvious I needed to shape up.

I am forever grateful that she and her infinite love chose me anyway. She believed in me in a way I didn’t. She gave me a flesh and blood reason to become the person I always wanted to be. In short, she inspired me to completely rewire and rewrite my life.

Many in my circle, after hearing the surprising news that this gypsy was going to be a parent, encouraged me to seek a more stable profession, something with regular hours and benefits.

But to truly be a good example to my new soulmate, I felt I needed to go for the whole enchilada—to carve my own path, to follow my urgings to honor the gifts I was given. Yes, I would have to write consistently, become disciplined, but writing consistently is what I LOVE to do. Plus freelance writing gave me space and time to be there for Taz.

The most significant change required was for me to surrender old paradigms and ways of seeing the world. I had to rely completely and humbly, not on my own smarts or talent, but on the bigger force that continuously whispers to me, the force that wants to guide, bless and interact with all of us.  

Every day, I repeated this affirmation:

Into my will, let there pour strength.

Into my feeling, let there flow warmth,

Into my thinking, let there shine light

That I may nurture this child, Tasman McKay Grout,

With enlightened purpose,

Caring with heart’s love

and bringing wisdom to all things.

In a week, it will be two years since Taz joined the cosmic love team or what we often call the “other side.”  I’m still getting my equilibrium after this shattering loss. But this I can say with complete certainty:

My gorgeous, brilliant daughter who was always the wisest person in any room still lives within my every thought, my every breath, my every heartbeat.

So thank you, Taz, for choosing me, for overlooking my shortcomings and for inspiring me to be a better person. I feel it in my bones that this lifetime was one of many we’ve experienced together.

I will love you forever. I’m excited about the upcoming 222 Foundation award and for the day we meet up again, unencumbered by the illusion of these fallible bodies. Happy magical birthday, my love. #222 Forever.

Pam Grout is the author of 20 books including E-Squared, E-Cubed, Thank & Grow Rich and her latest book, The Course in Miracles Experiment: A Starter Kit for Rewiring Your Mind (And Therefore Your World).

70 Responses

  1. Happy Almost Birthday to Taz you beautiful Soul Mate that continues to infuse your work.
    I so hope you have gotten all of my comments. Do visit me sometime. I welcome you to my site. Virtual Hugs and love to you and Taz! ❤️🤗

    1. Hedgehogs Hedgehogs everywhere this week. Every one reminded me of you and Taz. Wishing for you whatever it is that fits the current aperture you are facing. Thank you and much love ❤️

  2. This is so beautiful – thank you for sharing, and opening our astonished eyes to the miracles everywhere.

  3. I love when you talk about your own love for Taz. I raise my daughter Anna as a solo parent, so your stories make me feel all the feelings. Happy birthday to you, for the way her birth transformed you, and also to Taz, who was born and who really lived and loved. So much love to you both.

  4. As always, beautifully written. I’ve often wondered if given a crystal ball and a choice, would someone opt to take the finite years with someone they loved deeply or decline because the looming loss seems too much to bear. Taz is such a bright light and continues through everyone she’s touched and continues to touch. I’m sure it was a no-brainer when her soul chose you. ❤️

  5. Thank you for sharing, Pam. Happy birthday to you as a mom and a new, wonderful person.
    Love you.

  6. Feliz Cumpleaños Taz! May you sing and dance with the sun, moon and stars! Your mom here on Earth is an inspiration!

  7. Heartfelt thanks Pam, for sharing your Love, Wisdom and also sadness with us.
    Enormous Hugs.

  8. Hi Pam!

    I’ve read and reread most of your books and love your philosophy of love and life. I’ve always wanted to drop you a note, but felt it an imposition of your time. But your stories of Taz has compelled me to reply. I have a daughter, Katie, age 30, whom I also feel the same as you about Taz. I’m 2 years your senior and feel we are wove of the same ilk. Your stories about your daughter always move my heart. Today, I looked closely at Taz’s photo and noticed she was wearing the same footwear that I had worn for many years while being a ranchhand for my daughter’s horse riding events. Then I looked at the photo of you and her when she was a little girl and I noticed that you were wearing the same footwear that I wear today. Coincidence or sign the universe wanted for me to write to you?

    Anyway, I feel more peace in my heart to tell you about these tiny things.

    Thx for being here,
    Charles Holyoke
    Las Vegas

    Sent from my iPhone

  9. Pam, you are my hero. You should feel very proud because the unconditional love you have with Tas, is bigger than space and time. But the lesson you are showing us (simple mortals trying to understand the magical world through your eyes) is powerful. Tas was an angel, but so are you. We need people like you in this world. You teach us miracles. Sending blessings your way. ❤️

  10. Your beautiful Taz and I share the same birthdate. All week I have been seeing signs of 222. Your books have changed my life .. forever grateful many blessings ❤️

  11. Sending so much love to you, Pam Grout! Thank you (and Taz) for inspiring me to keep believing in me and The Dude❤️

  12. Sending love and light! Today a video of a bird poking a hedgehog to get it safely across a road popped up in my Facebook feed! After reading this blog post I realize it reminds me of you and Taz 💖 You’re the hedgehog and she’s the bird. I posted it in the the Thank and Grow Rich Facebook group. Thank you to Taz for getting you on this path so I can learn from the wisdom of ages.

  13. Pam, thank you for writing this. It is beyond beautiful. You are one of the most genuine and loving souls that I have ever known and I’m honored to call you my friend.

    Taz joined the cosmic love team on my 55th Birthday. You can be sure that I will always send you all the love my heart can generate. Thank you for being a constant inspiration for me and so many, as you always practice what you preach.
    ❤️BIG Love ,

      1. Hey Pam, my birthday is the 14th of October, and I mistakenly thought that was the day of her crossing. Not sure why I thought that, but I’ll be sending good juju to you and your family for sure. Love and peace and joy to you, my friend. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

  14. Pam, what a searingly honest, loving, and blessed post. I can’t imagine but I can feel with a very full heart of how it must be to lose a child. Taz certainly was a gift from the gods and the Dude but you have become that same gift to yourself and to us followers who think you’re the best thing since sliced bread. With love

      1. Your reply to my comment came through to me in Australia at 2.22!!!! My face is wreathed with a big smile! Forgive all the exclamation marks. !!!

  15. Happy Heavenly Birthday to Taz!
    Pam, that may have been the most beautiful piece I’ve read of yours, yet…and I do love your writing, whether in a book or a blog post. You are clearly two peas in a pod, and you always will be. You both chose wisely.
    Much love to you and to all who have known and loved Taz,
    Pamela Joy

  16. She is beautiful. What happened to her? I must have missed something. Sounds like such a gift.

    Stay healthy, happy, hopeful and hydrated,


  17. Thank you for sharing your joy, happiness, and love. Happy Birthday Tasman!!222 forever!! From a friend in New Zealand.

    1. Taz’s bio dad is from New Zealand. Taz and I both love your country. She had just gotten her NZ passport a month or so before her unexpected crossing.

    ..And to you Pam I say without a doubt…you were an AWESOME mother and Taz absolutely knew what she was doing when she chose you🤗

  19. So lovely to hear from you today dear Pam. Thankyou for sharing your personal experiences with us, inspiring us to go for our dreams, to love with all our hearts, to trust in The Dude and to keep living and loving no matter what. Big hugs to you for tomorrow, and may your memories of the many years you had with your beautiful daughter and all that she brought to your life fill you with love and peace. 💛🌷
    Here’s to widening the aperture. ⭐️

  20. I struggle with the fact that almost two years have passed since Taz left this world. It seems like not very long ago. Blessings to you and thank you for sharing even the hard stuff with us. xx

  21. Tears streaming down my face as I read your beautiful words. What amazing gifts you have brought to this world with your writing. That your one and only beautiful daughter should pass seems cruel – yet your sharing of the way you are navigating this chapter and how you are finding the lessons on this bumpy road, I find truly humbling. Thank You, Pam 🙏🙏🙏💞🦋

    1. Pam, thank you for sharing these stories. I lost my first husband when I was 30. He still lives as my angel & guide. My life is forever changed and you inspire me to step even higher to bring light to others. We all have an inner flame – and sometimes the tragedies of life cause a few bricks to feel like heavy burdens. Here’s to helping all toss the bricks and ignite our fires. Thank you!

      Sandy Hansen-Wolff

  22. I read 2-3 chapters of your book every day – Miracles. Yesterday after a couple of good emails with Suzanne Giesemann who lives just up the street, I read Chapter 222, and it coincided with what we were discussing. I recognized the significance of the number.

  23. Good morning dear Pam. I feel The beautiful spirit of Taz through her pictures. I just love her smile. Thank you for sharing with us. I am also grateful for the growth I have deeply experienced through being a mother. I send you a warm hug on your daughters’ Birthday.💖

  24. You and Taz have changed my life! I hold you both in my ??

    Get Outlook for iOS ________________________________

  25. Thank you for sharing, Pam. Taz is a beautiful girl and I’m so sorry your time with her was so short. Sending prayers, hugs and much love to you both as I’m sure she is there with you in spirit.

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  27. So very beautiful. Thank you for sharing your gifts, Pam. You inspire people you will probably never meet (like me). But I appreciate you and send love and light to you.

    Denise Z.
    Orange, CA

  28. I love the way you said she gave me a flesh and blood reason to become the person I always wanted to be.
    I had my first son because of getting unexpectedly pregnant and he brought my husband and I together, so his middle name, Leif, means life.
    He gave us a reason to be and stay together, move home together to Canada and have a family.
    Don’t know how souls come into our lives but its so wonderful to have them.

  29. Happy Heavenly Birthday Taz! 2 beautiful souls, 1 earthbound and the other celestial. Both doing such spirited work. Love you both, extra hugs for you today Pam. Thanks too for your as usual, well-timed and eloquently spoken words xx

  30. Pam, you touched so many chords with this blog, the unconditional love Nick taught us, especially as things started to go so pear shaped for him, he was an old soul who often amazed us with his wisdom. I am learning to let God direct instead of trying to control things myself, I was just slower of the mark than you but your books set me on that path and I am very grateful that you got sorted so that I could learn that too, makes life so much easier. Much love and many hugs to you at this time.

  31. The other side is next to us but with that said . . . I don’t know how you took such a loss on the physical plane. I have tears in my eyes just thinking about it. You are am amazing woman and writer. You have made the world a better place. Taz knew and wanted to be with you. She made a good choice.

  32. Thank you Pam for sharing Tasman with the world. You have definitely made a difference in this world of ours, you and your beautiful daughter. I adore you and your writing especially the quirky bits and your book on A Course In Miracles is divine. I wish you every success, love and blessings Pam
    Thank you for making a difference in my life.

  33. So beautifully written. Thank you for sharing this. Happy Heavenly Birthday to Tasman. Love to you Pam.

  34. Happy Birthday to Taz, who I feel with the 222’s she sends. A beautiful post Pam, and thanks for sharing the incredibly adorable photos, you can just feel her awesome sweetness looking at them. Our kids can bring out the best in us and force us to be better people, when we see the great responsibility in raising a child, like you did. You are strong positive and open, thank you for sharing.
    God bless and may you always feel Taz, which I know you do. Love love love! A

  35. Pam, I have been reading your work for years. As a mother my heart reaches out to yours. You may never find your equilibrium but you will never lose your mother’s heart. Xo Gwen


  36. This is by far my most favorite of all of your posts. I became a mother at 46; I identify with my beautiful, perfect, Universe-given daughter saving my life in ways I didn’t know needed saving. I now say the above affirmation (prayer?) every day as it embodies my hopes and goals. She is my inspiration as I face a huge life challenge which I know I must do to ensure her future well-being. Thank you for the inspiration, and thank you for sharing Taz with us all.

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