That time I failed to take the red pill

“When we don’t stop daily to inventory all the gazillion things going right in our lives, the crazy voices in our heads try to make us their bitch.”—From my book, Thank & Grow Rich
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Thank you, my beautiful friends, for your emails inquiring about my whereabouts. I reckon it’s a desired outcome when people notice you’re missing.

To be honest, I’ve been hijacked the last couple days. My father passed early Tuesday morning. It wasn’t completely unexpected (he has been ill for several years) and it isn’t like I don’t know life never really ends. Most times, I agree with my friend, Betty, who when she hears someone is about to pass,  gleefully remarks, “Oh, I’m so excited for them.”

It’s more that I used the drama (my father had three families and each seemed to have different ideas and plans about his passing) as an excuse to not take the red pill.

I didn’t start my morning with my Course workbook lesson or my AA 2.0 program and I didn’t ask for the help of the Holy S. In other words, I have neglected to smoke what I sell here on the blog, in my books.

I’m no longer beating myself up over it. My favorite words, as y’all know, are “It’s okay.”

This week, in fact, has been Exhibit A in just how powerful the Course really is.

It’s a portal, I guess you could say, into that bigger reality that’s possible to all of us. On this limited physical plane, life sometimes sucks. But as the Course teaches me (over and over), these thoughts and perceptions are NOT real. There is a much bigger Truth going on. I am a multi-dimensional being and this higher truth is forever available IF and WHEN I choose to hook up.

This week also pointed out the importance of daily maintenance. It’s like an exercise program. You don’t do it for a week, look in the mirror and say, “Hey, looking good. Guess you did it. Guess you can quit now.”

I pretty much have to open that workbook every morning. It’s not like it’s really asking too much. How hard is it to open a book and read the 5-minute lesson? If I was being asked to take a pill for some horrible illness, I’d ingest it with religious fervor.

ACIM Lesson 110 is that constant reminder: I am as the Dude created me.

I can pretend to be a dysfunctional, crazy woman with all sorts of agendas and vendettas or I can remain who the Dude created me to be: an eternal spirit bringing peace to all the world. The power in this one phrase (not to mention the power of just getting up each morning and committing my day to a higher truth) can undo the past, can redeem the world.

Like Neo in The Matrix, I always have a choice. The blue pill (where I remain unaware of my power) or the red pill where I discover reality without the preprogrammed script.

Glad to be back, my friends. May we all continue to celebrate the red pill’s joyful truth.

Pam Grout is the author of 19 books including E-Squared, E-Cubed, Thank & Grow Rich and her new book, Art & Soul,Reloaded: A Year-Long Apprenticeship to Summon the Muses and Ignite Your Daring, Audacious, Creative Side.

82 Responses

  1. I love when you tell us it’s OK to be human. You’re so freakin’ awesome, Pam! 🙂

  2. Thinking of you, Pam. Thank you for sharing like you do. Wishing your Father his eternity of peace and great, great love

    Megan Mc

  3. So glad to have you back Pam, joining you on taking the red pill again!! I have been procrastinating on starting my new business and even though it is something I really want to do, for some strange reason I keep sabotaging myself, but I am determined to take it day by day, let´s do this!!

  4. I truly love your authenticity and honesty – truly inspirational. Blessings and wonderful thoughts to carry you through. Thanks for always encouraging us to keep the light and take the red pill. xoxo

  5. Ah, yes, the red pill and our choices. Thanks for this when I need it most dear Pam and, I also am excited for your dad!

  6. Pam! I’m so sorry to hear about your dad ❤️ and please know that I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. When I didn’t see your posts, my first vision was of you on an amazingly epic adventure !
    I’m sending BIG ❤️ to you and your family, my friend 🙏💜👍

  7. Your Dad of all people has the faith in his Soul that Life continues with the Big Dude in the Sky. Maybe not the same verbiage but he had his own Israeli Idol songs in his heart and knew it was time to move into His Creators Hands. The Mind was Silent but his Heart was singing gloriously Amazing Grace! I am Home, Lord! I AM HOME with JOY!

  8. Omg you are amazing!!! I love how you are so real or that we are vibrating on the same level! I’m sorry for your loss and all that goes with it! And that at any point we can choose love for ourselves and others! Even in grief, you are an amazing teacher and writer! Love to you!

  9. Glad you’re back Pam❣️
    And your humanness helps all of us to be compassionate to ourselves as well to others
    You are awesome 🦋
    Sending healing prayers/energy to you and all the family 💕👍🏽🙏

  10. So very sorry for your loss.  I was wondering what happened ! Healing thoughts to you and your family  Schevana 

    Sent from Yahoo Mail for iPhone

  11. Agree with everyone. Praise your dad’s passing!He is with our great One. Just finished a yearly (traditional for my husband and I) Matrix trilogy. How Timely. Your comments are “right On sister” ! Love, BIG LOVE, Patricia

  12. Thanks for being REAL! There’s really no other way to be ❤️
    Sending hugs xx

  13. it isn’t like I don’t know life never really ends.
    Yep. It’s still natural to miss someone who’s far away, though. Whether it’s in Paris or another dimension. Sympathies: some of my dear ones are old and frail, and I’m grimly growing ’em as old as I can get ’em, telling them they don’t have leave of absence yet. Probably fortunately, they don’t take much notice of the ‘young uns’!

  14. Aww. Truly missed you Pam. Glad you’re ‘back’. Have been holding you in my highest thots and actually kicked my lazy behind into gear – and read ACIM directly while you were ‘gone’. You are so appreciated in so many ways. Judy Best – Green Spirit Band

  15. dear friend Pam, I got concerned about you and tried to get through many times to see if all was well. I finally went to rest on the bed and I ‘heard’….Let it go – all is well….just got up and decided to check one more time and there is your blog about your Dad. I’m sorry for the tears you may shed and my love and hugs are with you. You have upheld all of us with your funny wisdom about ACIM and now it’s our turn to put to use what you have taught us………..I love you, Diane.

  16. …. and…. we are all in this together…. I feel it… we are doing it as one. Carrying ourselves and us all.
    Bless him and toy and all your family. You sparkled his passing and out would have been beautiful.
    Much love

  17. First, my condolences on your father’s passing. Often so hard for those of us left behind, but a blessing for the loved one who is transitioning.
    Second, be gentle with yourself. (I think I read that somewhere once?) We all have to keep our eye on the prize so to speak and it does have to become routine. But we also have to cut ourselves some slack. And when we find ourselves in the midst of an emotional storm we just need to know that ‘this too shall pass’.
    Sending you much love as you heal.

  18. … well done Dad! … without you we wouldn’t have your amazing daughter!! … J …


  19. Hey Pam! Welcome back. You were indeed missed! I am so sorry for the loss of your father. It sure has a way of shaking us up, doesn’t it? But also brings an awesome perspective about what is and is not important in life.

    When my mom passed away, I was devastated. I also felt a peace beyond understanding that she was still with me. It came in waves, and I bawled my eyes out for a long time, quite shocked at how life could still go on despite this huge chasm in my heart. How do people have the nerve to grocery shop when I’m in such grief??! That did pass eventually, and I catch glimpses of her in my awareness and speak to her daily. Sometimes we even get laughing about things the way we used to. It is not the same as having her here with me in the physical world, but I know she’s with me still.

    Anyway, you beautiful soul you, I just wanted to say hi and tell you how much I love you. Your books and blog are a huge part of my spiritual life. And now your dad gets to see you from a greater perspective – and how proud he must be!

    Lots of love, sister girl.

    Karen Fowler, fellow “Unatic” (aka, member of a Unity Church) 🤣

    Sent from my iPhone


  20. I am so very for your loss. Even when it’s expected and no matter how evolved you are, there is a very physical reaction to losing a parent (no matter what your relationship looked like – been through it with both parents; one relationship very close, and the other very complicated). Do what you need to soothe yourself, whether it’s reading ACIM lessons to remind yourself how amazing, sparkly, and Divine you are, or having a walloping good cry. You’ll move through the grief at your pace. Sending Reiki love and waves of grace to carry you through. ❤️

  21. Dear Pam, missed you these two days. Sorry about your dad. You keep inspiring me with your words. Trillion thanks!

  22. I am so very sorry for your loss, and I pray that you and your family find strength in knowing that he is a timeless spirit, just a breath away. You’ve given so much in your joyous life…and I thank God for you!

  23. I was really starting to be concerned and I was sure it must be something serious. Losing a parent even though we understand it’s just a shift of location, it raises so many emotions and we are emotional humans. I’m glad you are back and thank you for doing this. Sending virtual hugs.

  24. I read through some of the posts to you and I ditto everyone but especially Lizzie and Anna. The words you wrote today have major impact for me. I love so much that more and more I’m finding myself in that place of well-being for no reason at all–except for all the reasons given to us in ACIM. You always say “it” whatever “it is” in a way I can hear it and integrate. Thanks from the bottom of my heart for sharing this process you experienced with your dad with us. One day I’m going to meet you here in Saugatuck, MI and I’m going to give you the biggest hug and show you so much appreciation. You are making a difference in so many lives. Your light inspires peace and love in our world.

  25. Pam, know that all of us in your planetary posse are sending you love and peace. You have been an inspiration and motivation to me for the past several years, and if I can repay that only by sending you a blessing, I am honored to do that. Earth families are sometimes tangled messes, but find that thread of stillness in the mess and it will pull you through. Much love to your family.

  26. Thank you so much for sharing your journey… It’s so important, inspiring and helpful! While I am in full agreement with your friend about the glorious new rhelm your father is now adventuring in… It’s still a human thing to experience the transition as loss and for that I wish you peace and sending you love and extra support from here in Idaho! Raising a glass of sparking water (enhanced with lemon,stevia and edible glitter) to toast your dad, your family and especially you in honor of this change.

    Love, Angela… From the possibility posse here in Ketchum (tutu will be worn tonight on my walk to remind me of how precious and fun this journey in this human body at this time in the planet really is)

  27. WOW! Thank you! My mom is slipping away! She has had to endure life here to long, Alzheimer’s took her a long time ago, but her body is now ready to go. You have given me so much peace with your wonderful perspective. Thank you! I hope I can get though this with as much grace as you!
    Thanks for sharing this process you experienced with your dad. Sending you love and peace.

    1. Reta, both my parents and 2 of my grandparents passed with Alzheimer’s. I’m sending you love. The last time that I was with my mother before she passed, I brought some essential oils and put them on her back. It was the first time she had ever had a back massage and she asked me if I could come back and do it every day. When I left, I had the feeling that I wouldn’t see her alive again and my brother, who was with me, said he had a vision of my mother at a younger age waving goodbye. She passed away 3 weeks later from a stroke and I feel her with me every day. You will get through it. And it will all be just fine.

  28. Wishing your family peace in this time of transitions. I just thought you’d get a smile out of this: There is a student that has a very negative reputation (justly deserved as police records will attest) who will be attending my husband’s school. I’ve listened to the drama unfold over the past week, not really knowing what to suggest. ‘Where is Pam and her fabulous wit and wisdom when you need them?’ I thought. Then yesterday a coworker asked if she could speak with my spouse. When they were alone in his office she said ‘I think we’ve been going about this the wrong way. Have you heard of a book called ‘A Course in Miracles’? His reply was: ‘Have you heard of Pam Grout?” Thanks for making ACIM easier to digest. A couple of years ago when we lived in Texas, I was a volunteer for NODA. The first time I sat with a patient, I was feeling very smug with myself. I then picked up a book I had brought with me that was a Course workbook. The very first page I opened said ‘The Ego is Insane’. Never forgotten that. Peace be with you and thanks for being such a bright light!!!! Gianna

  29. Pam, I was 35 when my father died. He was not a kind person. He abused my younger brother so much that when my brother started kindergarten, he had a 20 word vocabulary. My brother still deals with this abuse. Still, we both cried when he passed to his next life expression.

    I send you my loving thoughts. Thanks for being you. Dr. Nancy Taylor

  30. Thanks as always, Pam…this post was much-needed. Wishing you and your family all my love! Tell your dad not to have too much fun without the rest of us 😉 Love you!!!

  31. “Oh, Light of the heart,
    nothing in my life is the same
    And the little lame child,
    inside of my soul
    dances to the sound of your name.

    “Oh, Light of the heart,
    treasure in the coin of pain
    I will never be less
    than a lover of yours,
    ’til darkness finds us Home once again.”
    – Bob Franke

    Sending so much love to you, Pam…we are all just walking each other Home… xxooxo

  32. I am so sorry for your loss and so inspired by your actions. My thoughts are with you.

  33. I just want to pass on my condolences to you Pam. I missed your daily message, but knew it was something important that needed your attention. It is always in life’s hardest moments that we get to see if we can walk the walk as well as talk the talk. The interesting thing is even if we fail it seems we get back up, more determined than ever to renew our discipline! Thank you for your efforts to help us get through the Course…it is so helpful! You are loved and appreciated!!! Take care and give yourself time to grieve. No matter how spiritual or enlightened we think we are, death brings with it grief.

  34. Hugs and love to you during this difficult time. I talked on the phone with my dad a few days before his death and he cried and told me that he didn’t treat his wife and children very well and he was sorry. He didn’t tell my 3 brothers, just me. It helped to hear him say it and I was able to forgive him and myself. He had Alzheimer’s, and when I think back about it, it was a miracle that he had the clarity to remember and share with me.

    I missed your words. I would check my email several times each day. I was so excited to find your post tonight.

    I love how you are so authentic and honest. I had a few days in February that I didn’t take the red pill. It helps to know that I’m not the only one to forget.

  35. Pam, I swear, you are my sister from another mother. Almost everytime I’m experiencing a situation, you blog about something that you’re experiencing, that is a mirror image. I had a situation this week that was so jarring & heartbreaking I struggled with my desire to even get out of bed….and than I remembered, none of THIS is real. My thoughts about the situation, my fears, my perceptions, none of it is real. Thank you my wise sister.

  36. Pam,
    I am happy your Dad is in an awesome place now, but sad for the physical loss of him for you and your family. Thank you for getting back to all of us SO quickly, considering what you just went through. You are an amazing inspiration and a teacher, as we all take the blue pill more often as newbies, so reading your humanity helps teach us even more.

  37. Sorry for your loss. I missed you terribly truly. I look forward to you every day. I am taking that little pill for a serious disease and you have no idea how happy your daily post makes me.

    Sent from my iPad


  38. Dear Pam, Thankyou so much for writing again so soon after losing your dad and for sharing your story with us. I certainly missed you and was just trusting all was ok and you’d be back soon. I’m so grateful for your honest sharing and like many others have already said here, it’s so reassuring to know you are as human as the rest of us and that it’s totally ok to “forget to take the red pill” sometimes. I hope these next days and weeks won’t be too hard or heavy for you, and that in amongst the sorrow there will be moments of joyful and precious remembering that will see you through. Your posts are so life affirming and so deeply appreciated. Biggest hugs and blessings to you at this time and with much gratitude for all you share with us here. It’s pretty cool that each of us is amazing, unique and beautiful just as The Dude created us to be. Here’s to The Dude’s creation that is you- I love you and celebrate you dear Pam 😊💖🦋🌷

  39. Hey Pam,

    I’m so sorry about your dad. It sucks. And while we know enough to be happy for *him, *like your friend said, it still sucks for you bc you are still here and you are missing him.

    It’s funny that today was Lesson 110. When life gets nuts for me (like today, in fact), I tend to skip my morning meditation practice as well my ACIM lesson o’ the day, but always, without fail, at some point during the day, usually before lunch, I realize something is missing, and it’s the hourly ACIM check-ins bc I haven’t done the morning bit, and I ALWAYS find myself defaulting to Lesson 110, *I am as the Universe created me.* (I never was drawn to “the dude” bc I like my higher power to be beyond gender. 🙂 )

    No matter what is going on, that lesson grounds me, and it allows me to forgive myself for skipping, bc *Hey! I *am* as the universe created me.* And that creation (little ol’ me) was flipping out today and couldn’t spend 5 minutes reading, and here we are.

    So it’s a good one. I’m glad it landed on you today.

    And thanks for sharing your imperfections with being a student as well. I’m on my first time around the lesson, and I only am reading the lessons bc I can’t even cope with the first part of the course (WTF?), plus even though I started at the end of last summer, I’m only on Lesson 166. I watch your emails creeping up to me daily. You’ll pass me before long. I suck at the course. Like I’m a remedial student. But hey, *I *am* as the universe created me.* Dunce hat and all. So thanks for sharing that you, too, step back when life goes haywire.

    Not that you encourage it.

    Not that you think it’s a good idea.

    But bc you are like the rest of us: perfectly imperfect, just as the universe created you.

    Again, I’m so sorry about your dad. It’s hard stuff. Primal. The ACIM hammers in the idea that we are all connected, and that there is no time, and that there is no world. It’s just us – all of us, those in this realm and those who are not. All connected. Hang tight onto that, my sister.

    Sincerely, Maureen Sullivan

    1. Hi Maureen. I´m from Buenos Aires, where Pam’s books are not anywhere. I feel pretty much like you about ACIM and would love to share feelings with you via e-mail. Please tell me if you want to. My email address is
      Thank you!

  40. Dear Pam,

    I’m so sorry to read of your father’s passing. Sending you lots of love and hugs during this understandably emotional time. 💕 Be gentle with yourself. xxx

  41. So sorry for your loss Pam. Thank you for sharing your feelings about what are going through. I learn as much from your struggles as I do from your triumphs. You are truly an inspiration to me!

  42. I did miss you Pam – you’re part of my daily routine along with the ACIM reading. Thank you for sharing so honestly about your last few days. This was a beautiful post. My sincere condolences on the loss of your dad – wishing you an abundance of peace and love.

  43. Yes, I really missed starting my day with your wise and encouraging words. The day I became aware of your wisdom was a very good day. My daughters enjoy your posts, as well. As I have three families I can understand the drama. Thanks for being so open and honest. You are a blessing. Love you.
    Elizabeth Mattingly

  44. Dear Pam
    My condolences to you and your family.
    Thank-you for sharing.

  45. Wishing you peace, Pam, in the loss of your father. Sounds like you are finding it. Thanks for hanging in there and thinking of others.

  46. Sending you and your family love!!! I was having some stress myself and decided to find a ACIM podcast to help shift my thinking. I found one, picked the topic “ I am as God created” then 8 hours later I got the email with this blog with the same lesson and was so excited I knew that the Dude was truly sending me this message!!! ❤️❤️❤️

  47. Missed you Pam, but was aware that something very important was going on in your life💖 I wish you the peace beyond your understanding with the passage of your dad.
    A warm hug to you.

  48. I love you Pam! No matter how we think we feel about passing and the person, when it happens time stands still. I would like to share a tad, hopefully this is the right time. My family has always been close, everyone but me. I just never felt a part of their stories and their reflections on what a Norman Rockwell existence we had. I held a great deal of anger that was damaging my life. One day I spoke to my sister in George, which was rare and she said I should stop being petty and think about Dad in the hospital. I did not know he was in the hospital, so I then called my mom who told me he was there, minor operation, he would be fine. I drove the 2 hours to the Hospital, and when I got there the Doctor took me aside and told me my father had never came back after surgery and that my mother was in denial of his condition. I went in to see him and my mother left the room, I held his hand and told him I forgave him, ( many yucky things, not the point), and that I loved him and I knew he would go to a better place. . And TEARS ran down his face the whole time, although he was between Earth and Death and not coming back, he cried and I swear he squeezed my hand. I sat there and talked of the things that hurt me and of forgiveness for at least an hour, I hadn’t spent an hour with him in 10 years.Well- after that my mom insisted I take her home and then leave. I asked for a cup of coffee, and to come in, she reluctantly granted the wish , and during the 20 minute ride from the Hospital and my mothers home, my Father went into the light. We got to her home with the phone ringing that he was gone. I tried to tell my (estranged), siblings and they did not believe me as my mother had said he was fine, and I must be lying. As the days unfolded and they all came into town and discovered I wasn’t, I wondered , as did they,why of all people, me the least included and not excepted, of all my siblings had been there with him in his final moments. I now know that I was suppose to be, that I could not carry anger and hate with me the rest of my life and this was my Fathers gift to me, I was there to offer forgiveness, ask for forgiveness and love . I know that my wishes were granted. Life and Death are a Mystery Love is as always the answer.
    Love and Light Pam. I am glad you are back, I need you.
    Leslie Ann Rightmire, Stephen

  49. God Bless you Pam, you are doing OK….you are just beautiful. Here’s to those ruby red little “here’s to Love, Life and Joy” pills!

  50. Pam,
    This post touched me deeply. Blessings and prayers to you and your family. Maybe your father will meet mine and they’ll have a grand time together.

    There must have been something in the air, or water this week because I had a similar melt down amnesia kind of few days. I’m directing the Shakespeare play Measure for Measure at our local community college that does not appreciate the arts. It’s been one obstacle to climb over after another. On Wednesday the last straw hit and I cried all the way home. Thursday wasn’t much better, but I picked up my ACIM lesson, did my meditation and asked for help and I’ve been getting some answers. Thanks for sharing your life lessons so honestly. It helps me so much.

    On another note, the play is saved. Our professional actor, director, stage manager friend who gave us the short version of the play, is back and helped so much at rehearsal last night. We have five more rehearsals to go and I think we’ll have a good show.

  51. Pam,

    Lots of love now and in the days to come. I hear you on all of the pieces and yet it’s still hard to lose a love one, if only because we no longer get to see them. If it’s helpful, I’d be more than happy to send you my book, The Secret Life of Grief: A Memoir. From today’s post, I know that’s not where you’re at, but if you’d ever like it down the road, just holler.

    Much love, Tanja

    Tanja Pajevic Book Coach

    Your Story Matters


  52. My condolences on your father’s passing. Certainly reason enough to miss a few days here. I do know that all the love your father gave you is still with you and always will be.
    We’re all students, we’re all imperfect, we all make mistakes and forget things or put them off. It’s simply part of being here in the physical body learning that we’re really on a spiritual journey and that the physical can make the spiritual difficult some times. However, it is okay, everything is as it should be. Blessings.

  53. Bless you Pam. I’m just catching up and wanted to say how much I love and appreciate your take on CIM. Without you I wouldn’t be able to last the course. Sending you love as you navigate through this time.

  54. Pam – sad to hear of your sadness over your father’s transition…that can never be an easy emotion. Your Father is a spiritual being who has completed his human experience and is now on a unique plane of existence. I hope your sadness will soon turn to fond memories of your shared human experience with him!

    I REALLY appreciate your work.

    All the best,

    Doug Mayhew

  55. I thank you for this reminder we are all human. You help in so many ways.
    May the memories of you father bring you nothing but joy.

  56. So sorry to hear about your fathers passing, I save your wonderful awe inspiring emails until I can give them my full attention and today was that day. Your emails are my reminder to get out of my own way and live life magically! Thank you!

  57. Hello Pam, I just read your blog about your dad and the red pill (I didn’t see the movie), and I’m sending you lots of lots of love from many premium channels!! I am so sorry to hear about your dad’s absenting himself physically from you while still being excited for the new adventures to come for both of you. Thank you for the honesty, insights, and great humor you bring to my life. Take whatever time you need to grieve and be kind to yourself!! Much love!

  58. Pam

    We did notice that you were missing. Sorry to hear about your dad. You’re an inspiration in your humanness.

    Be well Debbie

    Sent from my iPhone


  59. Dearest Pam, Whilst your father is now enjoying the most thrilling ride ever, his families and you will be sorely missing him. My thoughts are with you .and I hold you in my heart. Thank you for your posts- they inspire me every day and make a huge difference to my life. xxx

  60. I’m so deeply sorry to hear about the loss of your Father, Pam.

    No matter what we believe and no matter how ready we think we are, the loss of either our Mom or Dad leaves a really big gap in our worlds.

    May time and the support of loving friends and family and the Course of Miracles hold you close and help comfort you during this really sad time.

    You are a such a bright light in the world and I hope your Father really knew that about you.

    Hugs and extra special healing energy to you.

    My Best,

    Judy Lund


  61. I guess I needed you to not take the red pill and to have to talk about it all. I really did. I had surgery a little over two weeks ago and the pain makes it difficult to walk and get about for now. I know, deep down, it will get better, but I just don’t always feel it. Thank you for reminding me that it’s a daily thing, choose each day.
    Bless you,

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