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#Metoo Why I’m escaping the abusive relationship of my ego and its pernicious henchmen

“Your story doesn’t hold a candle to who you really are?”—John O’Donohue
red sea

I’ve heard all the stories: Weinstein, CK, yada, yada! And here’s what I know.

There’s not a misogynist alive that’s half as bad as the abuser in my brain. Perhaps you know him? The voice that tells me and everybody else that’s living and breathing that something is wrong, that something needs to be fixed.

The Course in Miracles calls this voice the ego. It’s the opposite of love and it shows up as fear. It’s a big fat liar and, pardon my ****, it’s full of shit. It runs on three main themes: “Do Something. Fix this. Run.”

It shoves us away from what we’ve been put on this earth to do—to love, to connect, to create ridiculously beautiful things.

I’m currently compiling a playbook of the ego’s many manifestations. Here are just a few:

1.The ego encourages us to find our identity in a psychology manual. Let me just say that you will never ever find even a single clue to your true reality in a psychology book. The DSM and other psychological “theories” are basically a rogue’s gallery of the ego. And as long as you insist on staring at their symptoms, you will never contact the deep interiority that exists within you.

2.The ego tells us security, money and more, more, more is the holy grail. I saw a funny cartoon in the New Yorker the other day. A forlorn caveman, dressed like Fred Flintstone, is sitting in a cave with a half dozen giant boulders. He says to his partner: “I thought getting bigger rocks would make us happier, but I guess I was wrong.” One of the ego’s craftiest ploys is to make us believe that material things—fancy houses, expensive purses, etc.—is what’s missing in our lives.

3.The ego encourages us to look for the flaw in the tapestry. Amazing miracles are happening around us, literally 24/7, and we completely miss them all because we’re focusing on the problem. I’m sure that when Moses put out his staff to part the Red Sea, there was a follower or two complaining about the mud in their sandals. This gigantic sea was literally separating into two, leading them to the Promised Land and they were focused on the gunk between their toes.

To put it bluntly, the ego is a destructive force that rises up pretty much every time we get close to the land of milk and honey.

But here’s the good news. Nary a single one of the ego’s stories is in any way true. And since we’re the ones who created the ego (in a misguided attempt to protect ourselves), we can let it go at any time. We can connect with the true part of our Self—our sea-parting magnificence, the unwounded part of us that the ego has never been and will never be able to touch.

Pam Grout is the author of 19 books including E-Squared: 9 Do-it-Yourself Energy Experiments that Prove Your Thoughts Create Your Reality and the just-released, Art & Soul,Reloaded: A Year-Long Apprenticeship to Summon the Muses and Ignite Your Daring, Audacious, Creative Side.

29 Responses

  1. This is a very important post Pam. I love your take on the ego’s role in focusing on the problem. Genius (as usual), and thanks for sharing!


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    “Our chief want is someone who will inspire us to be what we know we could be.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

  2. Good one. Ego is a hard fellow to nail down and beat the pulp out of. As for me, I’m not a member of the “Ain’t It Awful” club. It just is what it is. No bandwagon here to get on.

  3. I get the abuse of the ego … I deal with it over & over but that is no comparison to the sexual abuse men & women have endured physically or mentally by the egos of their predators.

  4. Pam, I have read your books and enjoy your posts, but I think that the first line of this blog, using the term yada yada yada, kind of minimizes and disrespects the many women who are speaking out about the abuse that they have experienced. I think comparing this painful issue to that of the ego was in poor taste. I feel very disappointed that you chose to use the sexual abuse of these women as an analogy for the abuse of the ego. 🙁

    1. Thank you, Carla, for pointing out my insensitivity. I can totally see where it reads that way. No disrespect intended. I have nothing but great admiration for everyone speaking truth today, in all forms.

  5. yes, my CP (what I name that critical voice in my head) has been desperately trying to fling everything it can at me this week, despite there being very little to dig up! “You talked too much, you were boring, you are too serious” (none of which are true) And all this backlash was judgment after a relaxed cup of tea with a lovely friend! (CP is scraping the barrel!) So, thanks CP but I don’t believe you any more ☺️
    Ps I honestly tried to work out what a rouge’s gallery is (people wearing blusher?!) before I realised you mean rogue’s! Gave me a laugh 😆

      1. you made my day replying to this 😄🤗
        Thank you for being a real and accessible human teacher! I really enjoy your books and your posts x

    1. As long as we don’t believe what it says. Mine often tries to convince me I should play it safe and I no longer want to refrain from anything that’s fun or meaningful or growth-inducing. Again, thanks for all your thought-inducing comments.

  6. Pam I also have read all of your books and look forward to your posts. However this one… not so much. I agree with what Carla wrote. I also want to point out that perhaps you might be offending the French population when you use the term “Pardon my French” and follow it with something negative. It wasn’t even a French comment. I am not French but I did grow up in Quebec City. Why do people use that expression? They don’t use pardon my Spanish, or pardon my German???

    1. I am so grateful to all of you, helping me see things to which I am completely blind. It never occurred to me that phrase could be viewed as negative. Just points out how rote and mindless we (me especially) often are. Sincere apologies to anyone I offended. I love you all to the moon and back.

  7. Pam: I have read all of your books and enjoy your blog as well. I’m sure it wasn’t your intention but I agree with Carla. As a mother of one of a brave and courageous women who has come forward to speak out I felt this post minimized these women and the Me Too movement.

    1. Sexual abuse has been part of my life, too, but it didn’t harm me as much as the voice in my head that often tells me I’m too this or not enough that.

      I choose freedom!!!

  8. I don’t always tell you, but, I love you. Thank you for everything you do, and everything you are. I have no eloquent words, only Thank You ….for sharing, and guiding, and always helping me put things in proper perspective. 🙂

    1. Ditto to Janet’s comment!! Your books have helped me to shift my view so many many times!! Your blogs are always thought provoking and I think that’s golden these days!!

  9. It takes courage to be blissfully happy. You have demonstrated, in your writings and in your sharing of your own struggles how courageous you are. You are my hero, and I thank you….again.

  10. Spot on! I was just having a conversation with myself this morning about this very topic. I have decided to evict my ego. It is no longer welcome!

  11. Your message (which I truly do appreciate) could easily have been expressed without minimizing sexual abuse. Using #metoo to grab attention and then dismissing it is deeply problematic. Excusing yourself with “no disrespect intended” is problematic too: it’s the first line of defense of most perpetrators of harassment and assault. Rather than having to explain your good intentions later, consider expressing intent clearly from the start. I think you should edit your post, and explain why the edit was needed. I don’t disagree that the inner struggle is of primary importance, but the angle you’ve chosen is painfully inappropriate.

  12. I love you Pam, but I too thought using the “me too” line to compare the dealings of the ego with the sexual abuse revelations, very insensitive. 😳

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