The one who will catch me

“Let me fall if I must fall. The one I am becoming will catch me.”–Baal Shem Tov

Many years before Garry Shandling made his transition, he had a NEAR transition, commonly called an NDE. In 1977, he was in a car accident, in critical condition and in a hospital for two weeks with a ruptured spleen. He remembers a voice and a very clear choice: “Do you want to stay and continue being Garry Shandling?”

Lately, I’ve been asking myself a similar question. Thankfully, mine doesn’t involve wrecks or death or crushed spleens, but I’ve been wondering what I want to do with this collection of molecules named Pam Grout.

The current arrangement seems rather static, wooden, even a bit boring. Maybe it’s my dad’s death. Maybe it’s because I’m not currently writing a book. My thoughts are restless, ready for a change.

At the same time, as I observe my thoughts and notice there is disappointment, sadness, lack of clarity, I also know there is a bigger part of me woven into the despair. This other part is much wiser, much more loving. It’s working behind the scenes with this message: “Relax. I got this. Just fall into my arms.”

That’s what ACIM Lesson 134 is trying to tell me.

I am not my thoughts.

To forgive is recognizing my thoughts are not the rock solid truths I believe them to be. To forgive is to recognize their flimsiness, to simply watch them as they disappear into the native nothingness from which they came.

This lesson also emphasizes that I don’t have to fight to save myself or kill dragons or erect heavy walls to make myself safe.

All I have to do is rest in the loving arms of “the one I am becoming” who is already here, probably with a big net, ready to catch me.

Pam Grout is the author of 19 books including E-Squared, E-Cubed, Thank & Grow Rich and her new book, Art & Soul,Reloaded: A Year-Long Apprenticeship to Summon