Excerpt
God Doesn't Have Bad Hair Days
“My fingers are being pried off all I think I know. Certainty is very useful, but it can really close your mind off to the true light.”
–David O. Russell, filmmaker
If you’ve been in metaphysical, spiritual circles for any time at all, you already know your thoughts create your reality, that there’s a power in the universe that can heal, and that you and you alone design your own life. Unfortunately, there’s still this tiny little problem, this one itty-bitty catch.
You don’t really believe it.
You think you do. You probably even talk about it with like-minded friends. But I happen to know the truth. For if you really understood the power of the universe, you’d be fabulously wealthy, ecstatically happy, and so “in love” with your fellow humanoids that it would never occur to you to pick up a book like this.
Quite frankly, I’m glad you did. This little book will prove to you once and for all that there is a force in this universe that has your best interests at heart. This book has ten specific, easy-to-try experiments to prove there’s a God.
Only we’re not going to call it God. That word has more baggage than the Chicago airport the Sunday after Thanksgiving. Some New Age types prefer the phrase “inner guidance” or the “all there is.” You can call it Cosmo Kramer, for all I care, but just like Shakespeare’s “rose by any other name,” it’s the same deal. There’s an all-powerful force that thrums through your bones. It’s a force you can use to overcome any difficulty, to achieve great success. It’s a force whose truth will literally set you free.
You can direct this pants-kicking force to provide any need. It can help you with everything from healing an ulcer to finding a perfect pair of black pumps. Do you need money? Desire a new relationship? Want a more rewarding career? The power I’m talking about can help with all these things. You can even direct this power to provide a vacation to Tahiti.
Take me, for example. A few years ago, I decided to spend a month in Australia. A chiropractor I had a huge crush on had just taken a job there to work with Aborigines. How, I wondered, were we going to fall in love when I was in Kansas and he was 2500 miles away. One look at my bank statement would have convinced any reasonable person that a $1500 plane ticket to Sydney, the going price at that time, was out of the question. But I wanted to go and I was lucky enough to know about the power that could make that happen.
I started planning the trip, began picturing myself romping through the Sydney surf. I mean I got really worked up over this picture in my mind.
Within a week, my editor at Modern Bride called.
“I know it’s late notice,” she began, “But is there any way you’d be willing to go to Australia to write a honeymoon story? We’ll pay extra.”
“Well, okay,” I said. “If you insist.”
The force (let’s just go ahead and call it Cosmo K since God and his last name Dammit is something usually said when smacking a thumb with a hammer) can literally provide assistance with anything. And the best part is it’s available 24/7. I dare you to find me a therapist, a doctor, or even a friend that can make that kind of claim.
You can use Cosmo K to heal and change your body. I was hiking with a friend in the Flatlands near Steamboat Springs, Colorado. Climbing up the one path in the entire park, she tripped over a rock, fell, and started swelling. I mean, this girl swelled. Her ankle looked like it belonged to Delta Burke during season five of “Designing Women.” It wouldn’t have been a problem if this had happened next door to a free health clinic, but keep in mind the two of us were 70 minutes (and that’s if you walk fast which she couldn’t do because she was limping) from the nearest phone, let alone a free health clinic. I told her to direct her body to quit swelling. She started yelling, “Stop swelling. Heal. Stop Swelling. Heal.”
“It’s okay to say it quietly,” I reminded her.
We made it to our camp and she never even had to see a doctor.
In this book, you’ll discover that the world operates according to universal spiritual principles that, like gravity, influence your life at every moment. And here’s the kicker. These spiritual principles are more profound than physical laws and affect your life whether you’re aware of their existence or not.
By becoming aware of these laws and utilizing them in your favor, you can fling wide the doors of creativity, love, and joy that will inspire you to get on the table and dance. By plugging in to Cosmo K, you can dramatically improve pretty much every area of your life.
It’s not lack of talent or potential that has prevented you from turning your life into a masterpiece. It’s your refusal to believe, to really, really believe, these laws exist.
Cosmo K, better than the Energizer Bunny
“All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.”
–Ralph Waldo Emerson
The ten experiments in this book, each of which take a short 48 hours or less, will prove that the “God power,” like electricity, is dependable, predictable, and available to everyone from Saint Francis of Assisi to Barbara Walters. They’ll prove what physicists over the past 100 years have discovered—that the force connects all of us and that the reason we control our lives is because every thought we have is an energy wave that affects everything else in the universe.
But, like electricity, you DO have to plug it in. And you do have to quit being so gosh-derned wishy-washy.
Nobody in his or her right mind would call up Sears and say, “Oh just send me something I like.” Likewise, you wouldn’t call a plumber to fix your toilet and then add, “Just come whenever you feel like it.”
Yet that’s how most of us practice spirituality. We plead with God on a near-daily basis, but we’re wishy-washy, vague, and don’t have a clue how spiritual principles work.
God Doesn’t Have Bad Hair Days not only explains exactly how spiritual principles work, but it gives concrete instructions for using these principles to better your life.
The catchy title, rather than indicating the God of fundamentalist lore indicates God as a spiritual concept, a positive life force that when tapped and mined sends our lives spinning in unimaginably exciting new directions. The experiments, each of which can be conducted with absolutely no money and very little time expenditure, will prove the following spiritual principles:
1. The Dude Abides Principle. This is the basic principle, the foundation upon which all the others rest. Basically what it says is, “There is a mind-boggling force that offers infinite love, tolerance, compassion, generosity, beauty, gentleness, joy, peace, and wisdom. And it’s yours for the asking. Anytime, anywhere.
The experiment could best be described as an ultimatum. You’re going to give the force exactly 48 hours to make its presence known. You’re going to demand a clear, unmistakable sign, something that cannot be written off as coincidence.
Sure, it sounds far out, but, as I’m going to repeat as often as that “two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese” ad is “maybe it’s time for a new curriculum.”
2. The Volkswagen Jetta Principle. Remember that new car you bought a few years ago? When you first decided it was the car of your dreams, it seemed like a really unique car. You figured you’d be the only one in town to proudly drive one. Well, by the time you finally got to the car dealership, read up on it in Consumer Reports, and decided on the price you needed to offer, you noticed that practically every eighth car was a Volkswagen Jetta or whatever car it was you wanted. And that’s what happens when you begin to think about something—you start to draw it into your life.
This principle states that “Whatever you Focus on Expands” and to prove it we’ll set a clear intention: “This is what I want to see in the next 48 hours.” You’ll be amazed at all the butterflies, green cars, and nice people running around in the world.
3. The Sally Field Principle. Remember when Sally Field won the Oscar for “Norma Rae?” Clutching that gold statuette with big tears in her eyes, she gushed to the audience as if just figuring it out, “You like me. You really like me!” And that’s what this principle clearly states. “You are radically loved.” Cosmo K likes you and wants nothing more than to rain down blessings upon your head.”
As you might notice, this is a major departure from what most churches have been preaching for the past 2000 years. As Phineas Parkhurst Quimby, the guy credited with starting the New Thought movement, used to say “The Christian’s God is a tyrant of the worst kind.” To effectively work spiritual laws, you have to “get it” deep down in your bones that the God force is unconditional love. Period.
4. The Dear Abby Principle. This principle states that “Cosmo K’s loving counsel is ongoing, immediate, and available any time night or day.” By realigning your consciousness, you can get answers to every request you ever make. The reason you don’t know this is because you’ve taught yourself the most unnatural habit of being separate, of not communicating with your Creator.
In this experiment, we spend 48 hours expecting a specific, concrete answer to a specific, concrete question. But watch out. Last time I tried this, I got fired. In retrospect, it was the perfect answer, maybe the only one I could hear, to the question, “Is it time to launch my freelance writing career?”
5. The Alby Einstein Principle. Even though this principle, “You are a field of energy in an even bigger field of energy,” is one of the cornerstone spiritual principles (remember spiritual just means the opposite of material), it actually first came to light, not in a church, but in a physics lab. Yes, it was scientists who first discovered that, despite all appearances to the contrary, human beings are not matter, but continually moving waves of energy.
Other than experiment #9, that proves the Harry Houdini Principle, this is the only experiment that involves equipment, specially-designed, perfectly-tuned equipment. Okay, so it’s a metal coat hanger (a specimen of which I’m assuming, unless you’re a complete and total slob, is available for use in your closet) and a drinking straw, something you can easily score free of charge at any McDonalds.
6. The Donald Trump Principle. This principle states “The universe is limitless, abundant, and strangely accommodating” and to prove it, we’re going to hold Cosmo K to that guarantee He made in the New Testament. Remember when He promised that if we’d just let him, he’d clothe us, feed us and take better care of us than the lilies of the valley? Well, for the next 48 hours, we’re going to leave our wallets at home. And, yes, that means credit cards, too.
7. The Abracadabra Principle. Most people associate the word abracadabra with magicians pulling rabbits out of hats. It’s actually an Aramaic term that translates into English as, “I will create as I speak.” It’s a powerful concept. It’s why Edison often announced the invention of a device before he’d actually invented it. It’s why Jim Carrey wrote himself a check for $10 million long before he ever made a movie.
This principle simply says, “Thoughts held in mind create after their kind” and in the experiment you’ll discover that all thinking produces form at some level. You’ll learn there’s no such thing as an idle thought and that all of us are way too cavalier and tolerant of our mind’s wandering.
8. The Godlets R Us Principle. This principle goes something like this: “Anything Jesus, Buddha or Michelle Pfeiffer can do, you can do, too.” You know how chicklets grow up to be chickens? And booklets are smalled-sized books? Well, you’re a godlet and, unless I’m underestimating your power of deduction, I think you know what that means. At this point, most of us suffer from a severe case of arrested development.
I have great sympathy for why some of you have chosen NOT to develop. After all, who wants to be the God most of us believe in. Some guy who lives millions of miles away and stubbornly insists on ignoring everything you ask him to do?
But since you’ll soon prove that Cosmo K is the all-loving, creative life force in the universe, you might want to reconsider your inheritance. As the Course in Miracles clearly states, “All your misery comes from the strange belief that you are powerless.” In other words, you are not bound by the laws of this world.
9. The Harry Houdini Principle. This principle states that “everything that doesn’t look like love is smoke and mirrors.” In this experiment, we spend 48 hours examining the premise that we need to be on our guard, that we need to distrust our brothers and sisters. This one, as I mentioned above, requires a prop. Wherever you go for the next 48-hour test period—to the office, the grocery store, the opera—you’re required to carry a giant stuffed animal. Don’t ask. Just do.
10. The Cheese Does Not Stand Alone Principle. This all-important spiritual principle that states that, “Everything I give is given to myself.” Oh, I know what you’re thinking—that I’ve either really gone and lost it or I’m a very poor math student. I mean every third-grader knows if you have eight gummy bears and give two away, you’re not going to have eight left.
Well, math principles don’t work in spiritual law. Spiritual principles are every bit as dependable as math principles, but the principles themselves are often in direct conflict. The world’s laws, as I point out in the Donald Trump Principle, are based on scarcity. There’s not enough. The laws of the world state that when you give something away, it’s gone. You lose. Sorry, Charlie.
Spiritual laws, on the other hand, state that the more you give away, the more you gain. Take love, for example. Give it away and it only grows. Give away joy, peace, or anything that has any real value and you’ll get more.
